Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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