You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
