I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Randomize