I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
