I think I won the penis lottery.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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