I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
