I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
