I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
