Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize