I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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