Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
