I can't watch pbs sober anymore
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
