I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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