upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
