he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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