Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
