I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I need a beard to bite.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
