you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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