I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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