I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
