i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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