There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
