Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
