In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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