I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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