I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
