ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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