I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
