he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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