just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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