for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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