I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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