he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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