I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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