I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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