Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
