My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
