i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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