I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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