By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
