I am spending my child support on dildos
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
