dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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