i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
