Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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