There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Even my vagina gasped.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
