I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
