I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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