So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize