why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
