Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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