Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
