On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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