Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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