clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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