what if every blade of grass was a penis?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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