Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I have fence marks all over my body
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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