I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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