Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
